fear and hope


The Malaysia Airlines flight from Kuala Lumpur-Beijing (MH370) that vanished a week ago is still missing. It made me reflect on the fragility of our entire existence. When I was in my teens and early adulthood, news of deaths/tragedies had little impact on me. The first one which affected me personally was the loss of a dear cousin when he was 17. He was 3 years my junior, we got on really well. He drowned a day before he was due to fly to The Philippines, he had won a trip competition. I was shocked, totally taken aback. I still remember my late dad sobbing away on his prayer mat after we received the heartbreaking news, it was his eldest brother’s son. We attended the funeral, it seemed so surreal. I visited his grave for a few months afterwards, it gave me comfort to read verses from our Holy Quran in dedication to him.

As time passed by I moved on, there were other deaths/tragedies of course but I wasn’t moved in the same way. Until my own beloved dad left us in December 2001 due to sudden terminal illness, it was devastating. I began to realise how fragile and temporary our life is, it was certainly a major turning point for me. I went around like a zombie, trying to live my life as normal but found it very difficult indeed. My husband and children kept me going, it’s hard to stay miserable and grim with a young family. Slowly life got back to the way it was, I could genuinely smile again. The world felt beautiful once more. Just like it was when I was a child, a teenager, a young adult.

But I’ve also become more cautious now, there’s this fear in my heart amidst the hope in daily living. Unlike my younger version who was carefree, who followed her heart and never bothered much with the consequences. Now it seems I worry over every little thing; with regards to myself, my hubby and children mainly. Health, safety, general well-being, you name it, I worry about them all. I’m definitely becoming more like my mom! It takes a while for me to get over tragic news these days, I brood over them longer than I should. I live in fear and in hope; knowing that illnesses, tragedies and deaths do occur recurrently in this fragile existence, no matter how careful we are. I know that when all efforts fail, one has to accept the fate decreed.

At the end of the day, we are not in full control of our lives, as much as we would like to believe so. We go through life as best as we can, with our respective faiths as guidance. We hope and pray for a good life and a good end. And we hope for mercy and forgiveness in the after life, God knows best. There has to be hope, to counter the fear. And I continue to live between the two, praying that God makes me stronger each day to cope with whatever life has in store for me. Right now I just pray they find MH370 real soon, for I know what it’s like to live between fear and hope. I’m sure many of you do too.


my youngest amongst the blooming daffodils, happy times, Spring is here!

happy and carefree, as they should be

my older 3, happy and carefree, as they should be


colourful crocuses at the park, bringing hope and cheer after a bleak Winter


my family, our journey in this life continues for now


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